9 Biggest Problems INFJs Face in Romantic Relationships

As an INFJ, I realize we face certain relationship problems unique to our personality type.

Our deeply introspective nature often leads us to seek profound connections, yet this desire can create challenges when interacting with others.

In this article, we will explore the nine biggest problems INFJs face in romantic relationships and offer insights on how to overcome them.

1. We often idealize our partners and relationships.

As INFJs, we tend to idealize our partners and relationships, which can lead to unrealistic expectations. This tendency can impact our happiness and satisfaction in love in three ways.

First, high expectations can cause us to dismiss potential partners from the start. If someone doesn’t fit our ideal image of a perfect partner, we may not give them a chance. This can limit our dating pool and that’s why many INFJs are single.

Second, when we idealize individuals too much, we often fall in love quickly and tend to ignore their flaws. The ideal image we hold for our partner is often a projection of our expectations rather than a reflection of who they truly are. Sometimes, we find ourselves choosing partners who aren’t a good match for us or, even worse, staying in unhealthy relationships.

Third, when we enter a relationship, we often face disappointment when reality doesn’t match our romantic fantasies. This mismatch can create tension and frustration, leading to feelings of inadequacy in ourselves and our partners.

Tips

INFJs have a unique ability to see the potential in others, but it’s important to remember that potential doesn’t always reflect current reality. Don’t wait for someone to change to meet your expectations. They might never become what you hope for.

To navigate this, balance idealism with realism in relationships. Recognizing that no one is perfect, including ourselves, is essential. Embracing imperfections and individuals’ strengths and weaknesses enables us to foster more authentic and fulfilling relationships.

2. We give too much too quickly in relationships.

INFJs are known for recognizing the potential in others and genuinely wanting to help them reach their goals. However, this desire to support can often lead to burnout.

In relationships, INFJs frequently feel undervalued and neglected due to the one-sided nature of their connections. We tend to give too much, too quickly, while the other person may not reciprocate at the same level. This imbalance can result in feelings of resentment and lack of appreciation.

Tips

To prevent burnout and build healthier relationships, it’s essential to pace yourself and take things slow. Remember, healthy relationships thrive on mutual give-and-take, where both parties contribute equally.

Don’t overlook your own needs and boundaries to please someone else. Prioritize self-care so that you have the energy and capacity to support others effectively.

Read more: INFJ burnout >>

3. We have a strong desire to merge with our partners.

When INFJs fall in love, we often lose ourselves in the process. We become so attuned to our partner’s feelings and needs that we frequently neglect our own. It’s like dropping a pill into water. We give and give until we dissolve into the other person, losing our sense of self. While this can make us seem selfless, it can also lead our partner to view us as clingy or overly attached.

INFJs are natural people-pleasers, often going out of their way to make others happy. However, when we overextend ourselves and feel like we’re losing our identity in a relationship, we may start to withdraw. This can leave our partners or friends, especially extroverts, feeling confused as our behavior may seem “hot and cold.” They might think we’ve lost interest when in reality, we’re just seeking to recharge and reconnect with our true selves.

Tips

Don’t lose the ME in the WE. As INFJs, our extraverted feeling (Fe) function is our second most preferred function, while introverted feeling (Fi) serves as a shadow function. This causes us to prioritize others over ourselves, leading to a loss of self-identity.

Therefore, as INFJs, we must balance supporting our partners with maintaining individuality. By recognizing our codependency habits, we can cultivate healthier relationships and embrace both our needs and those of our partners.

4. We avoid conflict when it is necessary.

Conflict is particularly distressing for INFJs. We often avoid confrontation, preferring to keep the peace even at the expense of our own needs and feelings. This can lead to unresolved issues festering beneath the surface or a door slam, ultimately causing more harm than if they had been addressed directly.

Sometimes, conflict is necessary for a relationship to grow. For romantic relationships to last, both parties must be honest and open about their feelings. If we don’t express disagreement, our partner or friends may assume we’re okay with things and continue the same behaviors in the future.

Tips

Conflicts don’t have to be confrontational. We can express our views calmly and empathetically. When your partner shares an opposing opinion, actively listen first. Then respond with, “I understand, but I feel that…” and share your perspective. It’s not about defending your point of view. It’s about sharing your stance. Others don’t have to agree and we’re not forcing them to accept our views.

Remember, healthy conflict resolution can strengthen your relationship and promote growth. It allows your partner to understand you better and vice versa.

Read more: INFJ conflict avoidance >>

5. We struggle with setting boundaries.

INFJs often struggle with setting boundaries, which can lead to challenges in their relationships. This difficulty arises from several factors.

First, many INFJs may not clearly understand their own needs or boundaries. As empathetic and intuitive individuals, we are highly attuned to the needs of others but often neglect our own.

Second, the fear of rejection or abandonment can hold INFJs back from establishing boundaries. They tend to prioritize harmony in their relationships, and setting boundaries can feel like it disrupts this balance.

Lastly, INFJs frequently experience guilt when saying no to others. We struggle to decline requests, as we deeply feel the disappointment our rejection can bring to others. This can lead to a cycle of guilt and self-neglect.

Tips

Start by identifying your boundaries – what you are comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable. Without clarity on your boundaries, it will be hard to communicate them effectively to others.

Learn to say no, even if it upsets others. Remember, the guilt you feel is only temporary. By embracing these uncomfortable emotions, you can let them pass and nurture a healthier relationship with yourself. Practicing self-compassion is key to reducing fears or guilt associated with setting boundaries.

6. We have trust issues.

Though INFJs excel at detecting lies, we don’t always trust our instincts due to our inherent optimism and the belief that people are generally good. We tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, often leading us to be overly trusting.

Unfortunately, when others abuse our trust and kindness, INFJs can feel profoundly hurt. Betrayal and negative experiences often result in a loss of faith in humanity, causing us to swing to the opposite extreme of distrust. We second-guess the motivations of others and overanalyze their actions, suppressing our empathetic side (our extraverted feeling function) in the process.

In romantic relationships, this fear of being hurt makes it challenging for us to open up and let others in, which paradoxically contradicts our desire for authenticity and deep connections. How can we forge a meaningful bond with someone if we struggle to trust them?

Tips

First, INFJs must remember that not every relationship will lead to betrayal. It’s important to maintain our faith in humanity. Don’t let past experiences hold you back from forming meaningful connections with others.

Secondly, work on building trust within yourself. This involves acknowledging your own boundaries and needs and honoring them. If you struggle to trust yourself to meet your own needs, it will be challenging to trust others to do the same.

Lastly, practice open communication and vulnerability with those you care about. But also, take your time, you don’t want to overshare and become vulnerable with someone who hasn’t earned your trust yet. Remember, trust is a two-way street.

7. We are sensitive to criticism.

As sensitive individuals, INFJs often experience criticism more intensely than others. We easily pick up on subtle cues such as facial expressions and body language. Even a hint of frustration or disappointment from our partner, though unspoken, can trigger a spiral of self-doubt and self-criticism. This heightened sensitivity can lead to conflicts as we may react defensively or withdraw in response to perceived criticism.

Moreover, sensitive INFJs often find themselves feeling hurt by more direct personality types, such as ESTJs and ENTJs. While these blunt partners may have good intentions, their straightforwardness can sometimes seem like a personal attack. As INFJs prioritize harmony and prefer to avoid confrontation, this direct communication style can be challenging to navigate.

Tips

The next time you receive criticism from your partner, take a deep breath before reacting. Remember that their intention may not be to harm you. Everyone has unique communication styles, and sometimes misunderstandings can happen due to differences in how people express themselves. Ask for clarification if needed and try to see things from their perspective.

Criticism is not always negative. It can also be constructive and helpful for growth. As INFJs, we must learn to distinguish between the two and not let our emotional reactions cloud our judgment. Taking a step back and objectively analyzing the criticism can help us gain valuable insights into ourselves and improve our relationships.

Read more: INFJ’s sensitivity >>

8. We overthink in relationship.

As INFJs, we are known for our introspective nature. While this can be a valuable trait, it can also pose significant challenges in relationships. We tend to overanalyze our partners’ actions, words, and gestures, searching for hidden meanings or potential issues.

For instance, a simple text message response might lead to hours of analysis, causing unnecessary stress and tension in the relationship. Even a non-response or a delayed response can trigger our worries and doubts!

This tendency to overanalyze minor details can lead to stress and anxiety, often resulting in misunderstandings.

Tips

As INFJs, we can be a little too serious in our relationships. We need to learn to relax and have more fun, instead of overthinking every small interaction. Remember that not everything has a hidden meaning or significance. Sometimes, things are as simple as they appear, and overthinking only causes unnecessary stress.

When you find yourself overthinking, try to take a step back and practice mindfulness. Focus on the present moment when you feel yourself spiraling into a cycle of overthinking. It’s essential to communicate openly with your partner and clarify your assumptions. Acknowledge that this is something you struggle with and ask your partner for support in navigating it.

Read more: INFJ overthinking tendency >>

9. We are often misunderstood.

Because INFJs think and feel so deeply, we can often be misunderstood. Our complex inner world doesn’t always translate into clear communication, which can lead to misinterpretations, particularly when interacting with sensing types. Our intuitive and abstract thinking styles may come across as vague or overly idealistic to them. It’s not easy for them to understand us.

Furthermore, INFJs require significant alone time to recharge, which can be misinterpreted by partners as disinterest or withdrawal. This is especially true if our partners are extroverts, who may have different social interaction needs and energy levels.

When INFJs feel misunderstood, they may retreat and cease communication with their partner. This can worsen the situation, as partners might interpret this withdrawal as rejection or a lack of investment in the relationship.

Tips

It’s important to remember that not everyone thinks like us, and that’s okay. Instead of getting frustrated with being misunderstood, we can work on improving our communication skills. Practice using concrete examples and communicate more directly to help others better understand our thoughts and feelings. Also, try to listen actively and clarify any misunderstandings immediately rather than letting them linger.

Lastly, find people who truly understand you and appreciate your unique way of thinking. These individuals will make great friends and partners who will support you through your journey as an INFJ.

Discover which MBTI personality types are most compatible with INFJs.

Final Thoughts

Navigating relationships as an INFJ comes with its own set of unique challenges, but understanding these issues is the first step towards overcoming them.

If you’re seeking specific insights on INFJ relationships with the other 16 MBTI types, check out one of the articles below for valuable advice and guidance.

• Idealists (NF): INFJ | INFP | ENFJ | ENFP
• Rationals (NT): INTJ | INTP | ENTJ | ENTP
• Guardians (SJ): ISFJ | ISTJ | ESFJ | ESTJ
• Artisans (SP): ISFP | ISTP | ESFP | ESTP